A few embarassing facts you did not know about me

I really am quite shy: Why oh why did I then decide that my one true call in life was to be an actress?  Most actors I know actually suffer from the same problem. It is as if we expose ourselves completely in the most scary place ie the stage, then hopefully we will finally feel loved.

I really am a traditional country bumpkin at heart: One thing I do love, and miss about Sweden is that you can still find some innocence left. We stick to the traditions; without being embarassed about it. How otherwise can you explain a group of adults dancing around a may pole pretending to be pigs?

Living in a city was never my plan. Time passed and the older I got the quicker the years seemed to pass by. I am embarassed about the fact that I always knew that London and I was not meant to be , but somehow I am still here. I wish I could have appreciated the city for all it's worth and actually lived more in the now than having blamed it for all my shortcomings. London is the greatest city on earth and when I realised that; I started to really enjoy it and moaned a bit less to my close friends about it.

I really am not as kind as I wish I was. If I was, I would not even have to think about it. But is it possible to be genuienly kind when you live in a city? With all the competition, unfriendliness and ugliness - surely that must make us worse people? Maybe it is not even our fault?

I am almost impossible to please;  I am not talking about perfection in the day to day running of a household ( yes, yet again: I know I am not running the bloody Down Town Abbey) No I am talking about cafes, bars, holidays - anything which costs money basically, I need to know that I have picked the best and that there is not something else better around the corner. This of course can drive even the most sane friend crazy, including myself. But... I have got better - I realized during my trip that I was missing all the beauty around me- in the quest for the ultimate coffee experience!

I expect too much from friends and relatives; It has taken me years to realize that we are all different and value different things which of course means that what I think is important might not be what my best friend would think twice about and vice versa. As long as we agree on certain core values it is best to not judge each others faults. If there is love, then there is respect and that is what friendships needs to nourish you.

Before I was a mother myself I had a very low opinion on how new mother's behaved( for various obvious reasons) Now I understand why they behaved loopy and different to "avant" mummyhood, it's impossible not to. With all the lack of sleep; of course you don't think twice about investing in that fluorescent green plastic jungle cot mobile which means you might even be able to take a quick shower...

I have a very bad temper; it seems like it has almost vanished but I am sure that is there enough fuel ,a bomb will go off once again.

I am a fake environmentalis; there, I said it. - Being Swedish brings a certain kind of environmental awareness; when I could count my age on one hand I remember being in an exhibition where they had amassed the amount of rubbish one person throws out in a lifetime - that left its mark on me. But in London I have developed a real dislike and almost hatred for anyone who does not follow the commandments of green living. The problem is that I am one of them:
 I have been known to shop in Primark. I use bleach ( when noone sees) I buy the plastic wrapped-newspapers as well as the fruit which has been wrapped in 3 layers of diffent plastics, I have  killed a fish or two by throwing out the paint brush solvents when I was too lazy to pour it back to reuse it. I even leave the bottle and paper cup's plastic lid on  when I recycle them. I can not be bothered sometimes to print on both sides - well, you get the point.

 I am embarassingly controlling. of course I believe I am not, I mean my name and controlling do NOT go together; I am sure most people would agree. Is there anything unsexier than a control freak?? I always think I am a free, impulsive, outgoing, easy person who don't care what we do as long as I am with people I love. In reality I can not even be entirely grateful for gifts- not even flowers since it might not even be the exact blooms I favour. I mean, I even need to make sure that Mr M does not mix different flavours of Jelly Bellys! Poor, poor loved ones.

I pack my luggage days in advance. This obivously goes hand in hand with the controlling side of me. What would I do if I did not have the adapter, charger, my potions and the right shoes upon arrival? I hate waste; so for me having to buy an extra set of something is infuriating. But even in my day to day living I can not stand if I have forgotten something at home, so I make sure not to. Which means my handbag is way to heavy for my broken back. Imagine how much I have to carry around now I have a baby as well!! the pram has tipped over quite a lot of times already. It drives Mr M insane that I have never ever managed to leave the house without having to go back for something. I need extra layers, medicines, sunglasses, extra shoes in case the ones I wear are uncomfortable, creams, well you name it. It is all in there.

Count to ten

When I am upset or angry with someone close I have a few remedies that immediately put things in perspective and can even make me happy again:

Churches: It is almost impossible to feel hatred or anger in a peaceful church. There is so much history in them: all those weddings, funerals and meetings that have taken place there have left them feeling so powerful and serious. But I never feel alone in them, instead I feel I am part of something bigger than myself. I live across a huge church, but I rarely go in there.  But when I do, I realize how small my problems are and I am immediately grateful for my life and what I have.

Zoo: This is a difficult one: Since I love animals I really should not set my foot ever in one. But;  unfortunately I do.
A lot.
In fact; as I live about 10 min from the London zoo I tend to go most weeks. I can not help but love being close to the animals,  I forget any worries and can sit for hours watching the penguins, giraffes or one of the many monkeys in there. And when I enter the butterfly tent and close my eye, I am taken back to the jungles of some of my favourite places: Borneo, Costa Rica, Brazil and I can not imagine getting angry again! it is awful I know, they are all in cages and I am outside staring at them. I am sure if you have been in the zoo lately you have entered the Gorilla kingdom and noticed the sadness in the gorilla's eyes. BUT....hopefully the zoo will bring awareness to endangered species and teach future generations about conservationism which they might not be interested in had they not seen with their own eyes these incredible animals.

The Heath.

So many good memories, such beauty in a big city like London. Oh, we are lucky to be here. In fact we even named our son after it!

So tell me: how do you calm down when you are bursting in the seams?

Satisfied, who me? Never!

Why I am so confused?

I was so naive before I had little Gu. I thought being off work would mean lots of time for me to do what I have put on hold: cook all those recipes stored away ( actually; first organize them into the recipe folder), do voluntary work in the zoo with little Gu on the back, write that children's book I have in my

Why am I never just content and satisfied?

I used to read all the bestsellers of the "self help" shelf. Somehow I never got bored of learning how to become a better person, how to find the meaning of life, how to be in the NOW and how to have the most amazing relationships. Not sure if any of them really gave me more insight into how to live a happy life; I decided to quit them and listen to my inner voice. 

But it always asks for more. It is never truly still, even during the meditation class ( actually it is louder than ever during that class). So what is wrong with me? 

After my months of travelling the world, I thought I had finally got it! I was constantly on a high; never ever negative, I saw the best in everything and everyone, counted my blessings and so fourth, until; I started to worry that maybe it was not to last:  Maybe the combination of having had a fantastic year in some of the most incredible places in the world and being loaded with lots of pregnancy hormones had something to do with the fact that I believed I had "found myself". Would I get a hangover once the baby was born 9 months after arriving home from the trip?

Of course I did, it slowly crept up on me. How could it not? When the first few weeks after little Gu was born and the happiness hormones started to leave me, I came back to my old self with a big bang!  

But then the more I started to think about being satisfied and "the grass is always greener on the other side" the more I realized that is it really such a bad thing? I mean if everyone was content and happy with their life nothing would really change. Would it?  Noone would dare to strive for more, or challenge themselves; we would all stagnate basically. So being completely satisfied is basically counter productive  to today's modern society, at least for me and I therefore should stop trying to reach that state!

Being back

I have been wanting to write for so long, but life with a newborn has held me back and somehow time has passed and it has felt harder and harder to come back. I mean how do I sum up these past few months?

Do I just skip the biggest event of my life and fill the pages with the now?

It probably is the only way that I can come back into blogging, so that is what I will do. Maybe in the next few weeks it will feel like an easier task but for now, my challenge is to be back here in the evenings and write about whatever I feel I need to put down. To be honest, with a rawness and hopefully bring some beauty into the blog.